yum!

So, this is it! the final few days before the big weigh-in. I usually eat a big salad for lunch, with homemade balsamic dressing (equal parts EVOO and balsamic vinegar...or more vinegar if you choose lol...and I do). And even though EVOO is good for you, in limited doses...its high in calories. To switch things up, and use a slightly healthier option, this week Im doing salsa instead! its yummy and salsa has virtually no calories :) Plus, tomatoes are amazing for you and one of the few foods that actually gets better for you the longer its cooked. So, here are some meal pics of my breakfast and lunch this week...

Breakfast...

toasted english muffin with 2 eggs, ham, tomatoes...and a wedge of canteope...yum! 


and Lunch...

haha, the devolution of my salad...which includes black beans (dont tell my paleo friends!), corn, red onion, chicken breast and SALSA!

the final stretch

Awhile back, I set a goal for myself, to be reached by July 1st. Well...that happens to be next week and I am about 4 lbs away from reaching it. I think I can do it...or at least come very close. So my plan is to hit the gym everyday and eat as healthy as I can. I moved my cheat day from Saturday to yesterday ;) and Im not going to weigh in this weekend. Eeek! This goal has been so long in the making that not only can I not believe the deadline is here, but that Im actually close to meeting it!

ghosts of fat past

So.

I found a picture of myself yesterday. From approximately 3 weeks before I started this weight loss journey...and I can barely process what I see. It feels like a punch in the stomach...I want to cry and laugh and scream all at the same time...Im embarrassed of what I looked like, and ashamed not only that I let myself get like that, but that I didnt realize how bad it was. The picture literally makes my blood run cold...I want to stop looking at it, but a part of me cant. The scariest thing is that when I see pictures of me now...its how I imagine i looked then. HOw could I have been so wrong? And am I really ready to share this picture?

This is the first time Ive hesitated to post something on here, even knowing how very limited my limited audience is. Ok, be brave. Here goes...

Ive never felt such self-loathing as I do when I look at these pictures. And the relief of not being that person anymore hasnt sunk in yet. I pray that it does soon...and to help me out, Im going to post a picture from this week ;)

goal-meeting machine!

I did it!! I stuck to my guns, didnt have any treat or snack foods all week...and I lost 5 lbs!! technically, I suppose it was 4.6, but close-e-freaking-nough! 

I actually had a dream last night that the night before I weighed in, I went crazy with food...and in the dream, I felt so disappointed and anxious about weighing in because I knew that it would make a big difference. It must have stayed with me, because I definitely did not want to get out of bed in the morning. But then, when I remembered that I had actually done well yesterday and that it was only a dream...i hopped out of bed in a hurry ;) 

I think I had forgotten what it was like to feel this way...so proud, not just of my accomplishment, but of the discipline it took to meet my goal. Its totally reinforcing, which means, text book-wise,  that my meeting-goals behavior should increase ;) 

release me

I gave up soda at the beginning of all of this...and very rarely does a day go by that I crave a diet coke. I still havent forgotten what it tastes like...ice cold and with free refills. And, of all the treats that Ive indulged in on cheat days, soda has been the only thing Ive avoided. It scares me, honestly...to know how uncontrollably addicted I was...and to wonder how easy it might be to slip right back into it. So anyway...now I drink water. And its not always satisfying (in which, i'll supplement with tea, lemonade, coffee, mineral water, juice...you name it) but Ive become reliant on the way it makes me feel. I notice that when I dont drink enough, i literally feel dry and stiff...like a sponge thats been left on the counter for a few days. Water has become my fuel...though i thank the universe it doesnt cost the same ;)

On an unrelated note...Im in some serious pain here. As I may have mentioned, crossfit is one tough workout (after one tough workout, after one tough workout)...and my body is adapting and changing. Im learning how to care for my muscles in a way I didnt have to before...mostly because when I dont, i feel it...and not AT ALL in a good way. Right now, its my right soleus (sp?) which is in the middle of the middle of my calf and my hamstring. Pain radiates into my knee and ankle and when I bed my knee, i feel like a rubber band is stretched nearly to its limit. To help release this tension, my personal trainer used myofacial release...and I have no idea how to spell it. Anyway...it hurt so damn bad, i cried...It felt better afterward, and it feels better today than it did yesterday...but i have to keep up with the stretching and rolling. All of this has literally become a second job!

Here's a link to the ever-trustworthy wikipedia...what can i say? its quick and easy and it serves my current purpose. Take it with a grain of salt and do some more research if you're interested...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myofascial_release

watch it!

After protesting and stating that its flexible parameters were too strict for my lifestyle, I have swallowed my interfering thoughts and rejoined Weight Watchers. I was worried that the work of calculating points, without the benefit of in-person social praise, would be detrimental to my success...but the truth is that Im actually excited about this. I know that the program works when its used as its intended and there is an online community that I am looking forward to being a part of. Not to mention the lifetime membership when I meet my goal weight ;) I am so reinforced by belonging that this may give me the boost that Ive been looking for.

Weight watchers uses the 5 and 10% markers as big goals during the program...and its weird to me, after having lost 15% of my body weight already, to feel like Im just now starting again...with a 5% goal. I think it really reinforces for me that Im starting the second half of my journey. When this is all said and done, I will have lost 30% of my starting weight, so I suppose its appropriate to have this half way realization now...Im as excited as I am nervous :) There is nothing as reinforcing as meeting goals that you set for yourself, especially when those goals push you beyond your limits...push you to do things you thought possible only in dreams.

Here's a link to an article from WW on the benefits of losing 5%:

http://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=85571&sc=3046


Weight watchers has a deal now, if you're interested...whoever you are...I paid only $56 for 3 months :)

i need a raise

Lets play: I have a confession to make....I'll go first.

I havent lost any weight or made a significant change in my measurements...in nearly a month. id like to say that this is a symptom of regulation/habitualization...or possibly a plateau. But then, Id be lying...and not thats not really how I roll.

The last month has been hard.

In the beginning, minor changes (say, cutting out soda) can make a big difference...and you see changes constantly, which for must of us, is reinforcing. But I think there comes a point when the work out-weighs (pun intended?) the results. If I approach this from a behavior analyst POV, its less of a "think" situation and  more of a "know"...its what we call ratio strain....like working 70 hours a week for minimum wage. =/

So...being disciplined is my job...weight loss is my salary...and since I havent been paid much recently, I've been discouraged.

ENOUGH!!!!


This week, Im taking things one day at a time. I know that little cheats (sugar, instant coffee) throw me off track...and I also know that without a reason, beyond the weight loss itself, I wont give a shit. So, I determined a reinforcer and planned my food down to the smallest snack...its making a difference, so far...and Im happy about that :)